An Ode To Periods: Why They Are The Worst

You wake up and check the alarm clock, 3:30. You wonder why you’re awake, when it hits you, a gut wrenching pain that feels like your stomach is going to tear itself out. You realize- it’s period day. You stand up and immediately regret it as your brand new pajamas have suddenly had a Niagara Falls in the pants region. A quick glance behind you as you tear for the bathroom confirms that your bed has become a bright red puddle. You make it to the bathroom, get cleaned up, race around trying to find your granny panties (yes, women have such things), and finally sit on the bathroom floor crying at 4:00 in the morning because you can’t fit the fitted sheet on your bed….. After making it through the horrendous night, you start the morning off with cramps because you didn’t take ibuprofen in time. Sitting on the couch curled in the fetal position you contemplate carving your ovaries out or eating every ounce of chocolate on the planet, finally deciding to eat a bag of corn chips and a bag of chocolate chips at the same time. You make it through the day by alternately crying, screaming, or sleeping. And you’re only on day one… So to all you men who say “Oh your period can’t be that bad!” You sir, suck.